why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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