We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize