i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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