it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
