dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
