This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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