I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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