I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
