I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
