im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Semen is not good for contacts.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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