i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
