its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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