I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
