I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize