someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
