I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize