just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
