she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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