i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
