if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize