im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize