Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
