You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
