Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
