Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
