Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
