a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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