his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
