This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
