I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
