if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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