I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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