I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Success! We fucked roommates!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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