did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
