I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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