I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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