I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
