I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
you made out with another girl for some wings
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
