i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
