Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
