How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize