I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
