I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
