I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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