were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The uberlube is also flammable
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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