Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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