that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
