there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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