Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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