I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
