I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
