Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
