woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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