im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
