you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
