remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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