i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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