I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
