i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
