Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dear god my vagina.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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